The legal drinking age should stay at 21 years old. Alcohol is one type of drugs chosen by many American adolescence of all ages. From studies, it's shown that one of the reason many adolescence drink are because of emotional and physical changes. If the adolescence had a bad childhood, for example if they lived with parents who were alcoholics, then they are most likely to start drinking at an early age. Also as adolescence advance from one grade to the next, they face more stress from school. As said before, alcohol is the drug chosen by many adolescence, statistics show that from 8th grade to 12th grade, the adolescence picked alcohol over cigarettes and marijuana. Within 8th grade about 26% chose alcohol, 32% of 10th graders and about 43% of 12th grade chose alcohol over cigarette and marijuana. When it comes to choosing which alcohol to consume, in Georgia, adolescence chose hard liquor over other alcohol beverages such as wine, beer and other types of alcohol beverages. Many adolescence take part in binge drinking. More males (54%) take part in binge drinking than females (31.9%) using hard liquor. The percentage changes for the other type of alcohol beverages. Even though there are less teenage drinkers than adult drinkers, the teenage drinkers consume more alcohol than adults per month.
There are many causes to which why adolescence drink alcohol. One type of factor that is most likely to cause underage drinking is the environment. In school, much adolescence, growing up, face some kind of peer pressure. Mostly in high school, where many parties occur involving binge drinking, adolescence are being affected by these types of parties. The adolescences that attends the parties, sees everyone drinking, which makes them even more curious to actually try it. Parents who are alcoholics may also be the cause to why adolescence might start to drink. If the adolescence grew up with alcoholic parents, he/ she are most likely to begin drinking at an early age, hence growing up with alcohol surrounding you. Since we are talking about alcoholic parents, genetics is also another cause to underage drinking. The U.S Department of Health & Human Resources proved that children of alcoholics (COA’s) are likely to drink at a young age, range from 11-14.
One thing adolescence are known to do is taking risks and expecting things. The brain of adolescence is still in the process of developing. According to the U.S Department of Health & Human Resources, they believe that developmental period of the adolescence brain is the reason to why adolescence want to take risks. These developmental period cause teenagers to feel the need to seek for thrilling experiences. One of these “thrilling experiences” could be experimenting with alcohol itself. Since adolescences are in their “developmental period” they expect things to be as they wish they are. When it comes to alcohol, without thinking about the consequences of drinking alcohol, they expect drinking alcohol to be “pleasurable”.
Adolescence will always be curious about many things. In order to help stop this issue to advance, there are preventions and treatments out there. For example, for treatments there are rehab centers for short-term and long-term rehabilitation. When it comes to preventions, there are programs everywhere to teach the younger generation about what’s bad and what’s good. In school, there are health classes which teach kids about drug uses and alcohol uses. Other ways to prevent actually depends on the parents of child. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), states “parents need to have a good relationship between them and their child, they need discipline methods, they need communications and monitoring of their child”.
The New York legal age for drinking is 21. If any adolescence at age of under 21 years old is caught, by police, drinking they have to face consequences. They could be fined and even told to take the alcohol and drug seminar. They can also be required to complete some community service hours. New York is strict against drivers under the age of 21, under the influence of alcohol. New York follows the “Zero Tolerance Law”. The Zero Tolerance Law states that no one under the age of 21 should be drinking and driving. If adolescences are caught drinking and driving they are told to take the breathalyzer test. If the test shows that adolescence has the Blood alcohol Content (BAC) of .02% or more, but not more than .07%, they are violating the zero tolerance law and are told to attend an Administrative Hearing. If the BAC is more than .05% and less than .08% they are sent to criminal court and will be charged “driving while ability is impaired by alcohol” (DWAI). Same goes for anyone with the BAC .08% and more, except they will be arrested.
Today, there are many interventions trying to prevent underage drinking. Some of the interventions are raising the alcohol prices, increasing the minimum age for drinking, enacting the zero tolerance law, school-based prevention programs and family-based prevention programs. If the prices of the alcohol are increased, it is thought as that people would buy less and consume less. Increasing the minimum age might actually help save lives of people because when the age was risen to 21, estimated, from 700 to 1,000 lives were saved. So if the minimum age was increased it might help us save more lives. If school-based prevention programs and family-based prevention programs are formed it will help educate more people about how dangerous underage drinking can be. Even if we had all of the interventions done, we can’t force the adolescence to think the way we think. It’s up to them to make their own right decisions.
8 comments:
1. Read only the introduction to the essay and then answer the following questions. Make sure to post them in the “comments” section (you can find the link at the bottom of the post where it says “0 comments.” The 0 will change, obviously, as you and your classmates leave responses). Make sure to include your name at the top of the post.
A. What do you think this essay will be about?
How much alcohol teenagers consume in comparison with adults over the time span of a month as well as why the legal drinking age should remain where it is based on statistics.
B. What position is the writer taking?
The writer is taking the position for keeping the drinking age law exactly the way it is by making it illegal for minors to purchase alcohol.
C. How does the introduction try to “hook” your attention?
The introduction uses a lot of statistics to back up the argument and exemplify how serious the issue of drinking amongst adolescents is. There is also the comparison between teenagers and adults as far as how much they drink and why they drink that helps grab your attention.
D. Make some specific suggestions for trying to improve this introduction.
I would firstly change adolescence to adolescents because I think it’s the wrong form of the word. I would also takeout the sentences that repeat themselves (namely the one that begins with ‘As said before…’ The example of Georgia is slightly random and with some of your male/female statistics if you could include an age group that would help the reader follow along better.
2. Read through the essay carefully. As you read, list the writer’s arguments to
support the thesis.
There are many references to why underage drinking occurs. One of the reasons why they drink is the environment, which often includes high school peer pressure or the fact their parents are alcoholics themselves (which is not only a result of their environment but may also be affect them genetically). There is also the theory that because of how undeveloped the adolescent brain is it causes teens to take more risks and act foolishly by consuming alcohol. She concludes with the idea that the minimum age should be raised and more prevention programs should be introduced to adolescents in schools and through their parents.
3. List the counterarguments the author has recognized.
There is no recognized counterargument in the paper. There are just the supporting paragraphs and then she mentions the possibility of even raising the minimum age to help save even more lives.
4. After the reading the text and listing the arguments and counterarguments the writer presents, answer the following questions:
A. How well does the writer deal with the opposition?
There is a lack of mention of the opposition and as a result she doesn’t really address the counterarguments that could easily arise from writing a paper on an issue of this magnitude. She does not give any reason as to why lowering the age limit could maybe be a good thing as well.
B. What is the writer’s strongest point and why?
The strongest point in this essay is the paragraph about drinking and driving in which she mentions the ‘Zero Tolerance Law’ which gives a great example as to why teens should avoid drinking especially if they plan to operate a vehicle.
C. What is the writer’s weakest point and why? Should it be eliminated? Strengthened? Replaced with something else? Make specific suggestions for revision.
The weakest point in this essay would maybe be the concluding paragraph because she puts too much information and argument into a paragraph that is supposed to sum up her main points and prove why her point is most valid. I don’t think it should be eliminated but maybe reword or just add a final paragraph that sums everything up. Maybe start a new paragraph at ‘So if the minimum age was increased…’ but get rid of the so at the beginning. The ‘we’ in ‘Even if we had all of the interventions…’ is ambiguous and should be cleared up. The language is also very casual which is not the weakest point but the sentences could be straightened up a little bit. ‘Same goes for anyone with…’ in the second to the last paragraph could be reworded.
D. Are the points of the argument organized in the most effective manner? If not, suggest a more strategic order.
The points of the argument are relatively well organized with one or two points being the main subject of each body paragraph. Maybe having the first sentence of each paragraph clearly state what points of the argument you’re going to discuss in depth would help the reader follow along better.
E. Try to come up with at least one more strong point that supports the viewpoint the writer is taking and would strengthen the essay.
She can mention how lowering the drinking age may make help reduce alcohol-based incidents but by making it available to 18 year olds an even younger generation will be encouraged to consume it illegally for the thrill of breaking the law if nothing else.
F. Now try to come up with at least one more counterargument that the author has not addressed. Suggest ways to include this in the essay.
One of the most well-known and constantly repeated arguments for lowering the drinking age is the idea that if teenagers don’t feel as rebellious consuming alcohol because they can legally purchase they will be less likely to binge drink and engage in reckless behaviors such as drunk driving.
5. Rewrite the thesis statement, concentrating on clarity, word choice, argumentative tone, etc. Try to write a better thesis statement for the essay.
The legal drinking age in the United States should remain at 21 years old because of the reckless affects alcohol has on adolescents who consume it or are around it.
6. Choose two full sentences you think would benefit from revision. Copy and paste them, then rewrite them in a way you feel is clearer, less awkward, and more effective.
As said before, alcohol is the drug chosen by many adolescence, statistics show that from 8th grade to 12th grade, the adolescence picked alcohol over cigarettes and marijuana.
Adolescents (from grades 8 – 12) chose alcohol over cigarettes and marijuana.
In school, much adolescence, growing up, face some kind of peer pressure. Mostly in high school, where many parties occur involving binge drinking, adolescence are being affected by these types of parties.
Throughout high school many adolescents face some form of peer pressure especially when many of the party activities they engage in involve binge drinking.
7. Make mention of several other useful objects for revision: misspelled words, topic sentences, transitions between paragraphs, etc.
There are sentences that are very short and could be combined with the preceding or following sentence. There are also a few grammatical errors where the verb tense does not agree with the subject. Check comma usage because there are times when a sentence can be reworded to be more concise and use less punctuation.
1. A) The essay is going to be speaking about drinking age.
B) The writer believes that the drinking age should stay at 21 years old.
C) The introduction tries to “hook” the reader by starting with why people start to drink and using statistics to show the reality of the reality of how early people do start to drink, and more specifically showing how the problem affects teenagers the most (teenagers being the majority of her audience).
D) I actually don’t feel that your information about which alcohol is preferred, although very interesting, is relevant to what you’re speaking of. I would just take that out of your intro. I would actually put in the statistics that shows that teenagers drink more than adults (but take out other statistics- as those that I mentioned are not as important, so that you don’t “overload” your intro, with statistics.
2. Arguments:
➢ Teenagers are known to take risks so they will drink anyway
➢ The problem is not the age they start drinking, it’s why they start drinking
➢ Elaborate on how teenagers will do it anyway and changing the law will only make teenagers want to do it more because it is in our nature to do what is not allowed.
3. counterarguments:
➢ I don’t see any! Because I honestly don’t even see arguments for your thesis. You essay does not follow you thesis instead it is talking about why teenager’s drink and what we can do about that. You need to include arguments supporting your thesis in order to have counterarguments.
➢ Maybe you can say that others may feel that at 21, were too close to our adolescent years therefore we are more susceptible to making the wrong decision and then elaborate on that.
4. A)doesn’t include opposition in order to deal with it (based on the thesis) and needs to
B) The writer’s strongest point is that at this point or brains are not fully developed and that’s why we make reckless decisions, not because we drink. It shows that changing the age would not really solve anything.
C) The weakest point is that teenagers have different preferences when it comes to what to drink. That point is not needed.
D) suggestions made through answers to other questions.
E) You need to make it more organized in the way that after your intro, you should have arguments supporting your statement (with specifics to support your argument) then have the counterarguments but with those incorporate why “your side is better”
F) Teenagers tend to be more involved in illicit activities because of the fact that it is not allowed., so changing the age can possibly only make things worse.
G) Because teenagers make reckless decisions, if the age is changed to something older, they would have more experiences and ;therefore, be able to make smarter decisions.
5. I really think the thesis is perfect the way it is. It is short and to the point- which what a thesis should be. The problem comes when you try to support it.
6. One type of factor that is most likely to cause underage drinking is the environment. Revised: A teenager’s environment may lead to underage drinking. For example…..
Adolescents will always be curious about many things. In order to help stop this issue to advance, there are preventions and treatments out there. Revised: There are many preventive measures, along with treatments. that can be taken to prevent the advancement of this issue.
7. A)Alcohol is one type of drugs chosen by many American adolescence of all ages. (take out Americans- because this is something that affects everyone, not just Americans) and this is one type of drug.. not drugs.
B) you need to bring your arguments more towards the beginning of the essay. There’s too much other information in between the thesis and your arguments.
C) in the conclusion you’re saying that the minimum age should be increased when in the thesis you say that the age should stay the same!! They are contradicting. You need to really proof read your essay because I don’t feel that you proved your thesis with this essay! (sorry, don’t mean to sound so rough)
Zheng,Zhangzhang
1
A-this essay will be about underage drinking.
B-The writer is taking the position to against underage drinking.
C-The introduction tries to hook my attention by giving statistics for underage drinking.
D-USe adolescents instead of adolescence and put more effects of underage drinking.
2
-Alcohol drinking cause adolescents under the “developmental period” to expect things to be as they wish they are.
-Adolescents under the age of 21 got caught, they will have to face consequences.
3
-I find no counterargument in this essay.
4
A-The writer dose not deal with opposite well.U should add some counterarguments.
B-The writer's strongest point is that New York follows the “Zero Tolerance Law”.
Anyone under 21 are caught will get different punishment depend on Blood alcohol Content.
C-The writer's arguments are all weak. She should provide more arguments to support her thesis.
D-The points of the argument organized well.
E-Drinking alcohol will damage the human body, especially to the ones who are in adolesence.
F-A little bit of drinking is actually healthy to the body.
5
It's fine.
6
-There are many causes to which why adolescence drink alcohol.
*there are many causes of why adolescents drink alcohol.
-One thing adolescence are known to do is taking risks and expecting things.
*Things adolescents are known to do is taking risks and expecting things.
7
Her thesis is clearly been mentioned in the intro but she need more argument to support it. Over all, the whole essay was well written and mentioned the cause for adolesence to drinking and how to prevent it, but she should focus more on her thesis.
1. Introduction
- The essay will be about the legal drinking age for alcohol
- Writers position: The legal drinking age should remain at 21 years
- I don’t think there was a hook to the essay. Maybe start by saying that teenage drunk driving is a major cause of death in the United States. Actually that sounds cliché. You could start by saying “Raising the legal drinking age from 18 to 21 years has saved somewhere between 700 to 1000 lives”. (That’s from your own essay)
- Suggestions for improving the introduction:
o Include arguments for WHY the legal drinking age should remain at 21 years. I didn’t find any arguments.
o I think you went overboard with the use of statistics. Also there were many irrelevant facts that they didn’t help with the argument, such as “adolescents in Georgia choose hard liquor over beer,,,”
2. Supporting arguments:
- Teenagers are reckless because their brains aren’t fully developed.
- Raising the drinking age to 21 years helped save 700-1000 lives.
- The Zero-tolerance law is effective in preventing adolescents from drinking and driving
3. Counter-arguments:
- I couldn’t find any. Most of the essay strayed from the thesis and didn’t show WHY the legal drinking age should remain 21 years.
4. .
A. The writer doesn’t include any points for the opposition.
B. Strongest point: Raising the legal drinking age has saved many lives.
C. Weakest point: There aren’t many arguments to support the thesis. Also the arguments are tenuous and superficial, and hidden among irrelevant facts.
D. There weren’t too many points arguing about the thesis
E. Some arguments that you can add:
- Adolescents would save a lot of money if it was illegal to buy alcohol
- They would do much better in school and get better jobs
- They wouldn’t turn to alcohol to hide from life’s problems; They would confront problems directly
- It would lead to a general improvement in both physical and psychological health
- Less people would be addicted to alcohol as adults since most people start drinking before they reach the age of 21
F. Counterarguments:
- Bad for the alcohol industry. (counter counterargument: Good for the nation)
- Infringing rights of citizens (counter counterargument: precautionary measure to protect the safety of other citizens)
5. I think that the thesis statement is great as it is now. But make sure that it stays consistent throughout the essay. In the conclusion, you say that “it would be better if the drinking age is increased”!! In the thesis you say that it should remain the same!!!. So keep that in mind.
6. “There are many causes to which why adolescence drink alcohol.” Change to: “There are many reasons why adolescents drink alcohol.”
“If any adolescence at age of under 21 years old is caught, by police, drinking they have to face consequences.” Change to: “If any adolescent under 21 years of age is caught drinking by the police, then they have to face consequences.”
7. I could point out a few minor mistakes but I really think that you have to make some major changes to the essay. Maybe even redo it!
Jessica You
1A) I think this essay will be about how illegal drinking becomes an issue in that the percentage of underage drinkers surpasses that of adults.
1B) The writer is taking the position of making the legal age unchanged and support that people under 21 cannot purchase alcohol.
1C) The majority of us teens consume lots of alcohol when it's clearly illegal, but we still have ways to get them, so it becomes a problem; and I never knew teenagers drink more than the adults.
1D) I think should use "adolescents" to address the teenagers.
2) Arguments to support the thesis:
*According to the U.S Department of Health & Human Resources, they said that the adolescent brain function so that they feel they wanna take risks.
*Zero Tolerance Law
*There are programs and classes that teach younger generation to not drink.
*Illegal drinkers have to face the consequences.
3) Counterarguments: X
4A) It need the counter-arguments.
4B) The writer's strongest point is the statement of the Zero Tolerance Law. Because they might be subject to arrest, and they don't want to get their license taken away.
4C) I think it's okay...
4D) It's organized well.
4E) If one become drunk, it's dangerous, might lead to many sorts of accidents. The consuming of alcohol might also lead to diseases, if intoxicated or not.
4F) Consuming of alcohol isn't always bad in that it can help the body relax and prevent cardiovascular disease.
5) thesis-statement: It's straightforward and clear, so I think it's okay already.
6) "As said before, alcohol is the drug chosen by many adolescence, statistics show that from 8th grade to 12th grade, the adolescence picked alcohol over cigarettes and marijuana."
[revised] Alcohol is the drug that's preferred by the majority of adolescents. Statistics shows that from 8th grade to 12th grade, alcohol was the more popular over cigarettes and marijuana.
"Mostly in high school, where many parties occur involving binge drinking, adolescence are being affected by these types of parties."
[revised] Many high school parties involve binge drinking; and many adolescents take part in this activity.
7) "There are many causes to which why adolescence drink alcohol." - I think taking out the "which" sounds better and adolescence -> adolescent.
1. A) The essay is about adolescence drinking and the legal drinking age.
B) The position the writer is taking is that she wants the drinking age to stay at 21.
C) The introduction hooked me when it mentioned that “statistics show that from 8th grade to 12th grade, the adolescence picked alcohol over cigarettes and marijuana.”
D) The introduction is good, but there’s one sentence that I think can be changed; “As said before, alcohol is the drug chosen by many adolescence, statistics show that from 8th grade to 12th grade…” I think the part of “As said before” isn’t necessary.
2. –adolescences are more likely to take risks due to their brain are still in develop.
-adolescences are more likely to be exposed to alcohol drinking because of the parties they attended.
-the curiosity of the adolescences
3. No counterarguments
4. A) No counterargument is found
B) The argument about teenagers is more likely to drink because of their brain is still in developing so it’s a good argument considering that their risk of drinking will result in risk driving while drinking.
C) The argument of the teenagers being curious of many things could be elaborate more, such as mentioning will underage drinking cause teenagers to do stupid things because of their curiosity?
D) The points could be organized in a better way if the second paragraph about why teenagers drink could be put behind the arguments (3rd and 4th paragraph)
E) One strong point could be that is there a relationship between car accident and underage drinking.
F) One counterargument could be that drinking can affect the brains and your decisions, despite your age.
5. The thesis is good, it’s short and stayed to the point.
6. “From studies, it's shown that one of the reason many adolescence drink are because of emotional and physical changes”
Revised: According to studies, one of the reasons many teenagers drink is due to emotional and physical changes.
“There are many causes to which why adolescence drink alcohol. One type of factor that is most likely to cause underage drinking is the environment”
Revised: There are many reasons why adolescence drink alcohol, one factor is the environment.
7. The arguments could be elaborate more and counterargument should be added. Also in the introduction it mentioned about teenagers in Georgia are likely to choose hard liquor over other alcohol beverages, but there are no further mention of this in the body of the essay, so maybe it could be better if it will be included.
Post a Comment